The picture above, yeah that's me. My name is Stacey and I am currently 24 years old. I am a single mom to a 4 1/2 year old daughter of who I love more than life itself. I have also been attending college full-time (fall & winter semester) since August 2013. I sometime plan to achieve a degree in nursing and eventually obtain a career in midwifery. That is pretty much the basics, so let me move on.
This might be a fairly long background story so please bare with me.
I grew up with a mom and a dad during my early years of life. They were both addicted to prescription medication, and it became quite the habit. My sister and I were well taken care of but eventually the addiction for them became and overwhelming habit and lead to unbelievable poverty and verbal fights amongst one another. I have been through my parents divorcing, moving from home to home, and then the hardest of them all was to come when I was 13 years old. As a grew older I began to understand the addiction my mother was living, right in front of my eyes. I began to worry, and decided to never leave her side. I tried to maintain my grades in school, but yet after school I would come home and hang out with her, I needed to know that she was safe. I was willing to put my childhood on hold, because I loved her. One day I was in the living room, and heard something that was quite right. My mom was always a loud snorer but this time, her snoring wasn't right, in which I knew her breathing wasn't right either. I immediately went to my older sister (3 years older) and asked her what we should do. We tried to wake her up but it just wasn't happening, so we decided to call EMS. Come to find out she overdosed and on the way to the hospital her heart had stopped, and they were able to resuscitate her. After that night, I had dreams of my mother dying. The dreams just wouldn't stop. Two days later I decided that I would do something; I was ready for school and I woke my mom up. Normally I would tell her I love her and I will see her after school. This time, it didn't go exactly like that. I was angry, I didn't want to lose her, I told her that we needed to do something about her pill habit, and we should talk after school, and I just slammed the door. I went to school that day, not thinking much about. My cousin decided to come get me from school that day, but the ride back to my house was silent, and he wouldn't explain to me why he came and got me. We arrived on my street, and I notice police cars, and family members cars but being only 13 I had no idea what was going on. My sister ran out of the house with tears pouring down her face, and out of her lips slipped the words, "Mom is dead." It was so hard to think, and even comprehend my emotions. I had dreams, and thought about her dying just "yesterday" how am I to even respond? My best friend, my everything, she is just gone? I just stepped away, looked around, things were almost impossible to absorb anymore. My surrounding just became a cloud as I stepped back and just fell to the ground. My whole world came crashing down. My mom committed suicide from an overdose of prescription pills.
After my mother had passed, I went to live with my aunt because my dad was just too poor to take care of me, and to this day is still living with my grandpa (his dad). My sister went and lived with a friend. Living with my aunt went well for awhile, but eventually I started drinking and partying behind her back. I became a whole different person than I was before, I was able to step out of a house, and explore life. It really became too much. I was sneaking around and partying and meeting up with grown men to party (not have sex, let's make this clear). When I wasn't in school, or partying I was on my computer in my room, or I was sleeping. This is when my Bipolar became noticeable. I ended up being hospitalized 3 times as a teenager due to suicidal threats or cutting. The last time, is the time that hit me the hardest. My aunt gave up on me 3 months before my 18th birthday. She put me in a psychiatric hospital, and then gave me up as a ward of the state. This was extremely hard, and emotionally painful. I ended up going to a residential girls home because there was no where else for me to go with me being so old. This is where all of the delinquents went. I wasn't a delinquent, sure I was bad, but mostly misunderstood. I just needed help, I needed someone, anyone, to understand the pain I was in emotionally. I could go through all of the details, but this is just a basic description of who I am. Eventually I ran from the home because they wanted to keep me until I was 21 due to me being bipolar. The courts then decided that I would be emancipated from the state because it was apparent that I was doing fine surviving on my own.
When I ran I had to start all over, with just the clothes on my back. My sister helped me find people to live with or even sheltered me for awhile. Lets say between the age of 18 and now (age 24) I have lived in about 16 different homes with around 7 or 8 different room mates. In 2009 I met a guy who I thought I was absolutely in love with. I was told by my OBGYN 6 months later that I was not able to have children. At that point in the relationship, I trusted him, and we decided to no longer use protection. I am sure you seen where this was going; okay yes, I got pregnant. We moved around a lot, and by the time our daughter was about 6 or 7 months old is when we finally got a place together without any roommates. We have been through some tough times together, and between that point and now, we have been evicted due to job loss, and then lived in a motel for 6 months, then a 1 bedroom apartment where our daughter had the room, and we had the couch, and now to a place in a bad neighborhood, but a decent home with a backyard and 2 bedrooms, and of course the essentials.
What I didn't have the chance to mention before; him and I split up when we were living in the hotel. We haven't been together since but have cohabitated due to our daughters well-being living in such immense poverty. We have been separated for about 2 years now, things were going well with the situation for awhile, but the thing is- he still loves me and in all honesty, I can't stand him. I really want to do better for myself and go to school, and have a degree and a career and make the best of my life, so I can be the best role model for my daughter. He is a very very messy person, he doesn't pick up after himself, I have to ask him for weeks to clean up, before he even partially does it. He isn't clean hygiene wise either, and it grosses me out. There is so much that just bothers me about him. He gets angry so easy, and no doubt so do I, but when you literally are disgusted with a person and they act rude and disrespectful; how do you act? It has gotten to the point where we are arguing 90% of the day and I just can't take it anymore. I fear that the meltdowns that our daughter has been having is due to an unhealthy environment. Something has to give, I need a change.
I work part time online (I won't discuss the specifics right now), and I make an average of $200 biweekly. That is only being online about 3 hours per day and 3 days a week, since I am a full-time mom and student as well. I am sure I could make more if I had the opportunity, but unfortunately it isn't something I can do while my daughter is awake. I really don't have the time or the money to have a job outside of home. I barely sleep as it is, and I can't afford daycare, working outside of my home would just be like working to pay for day care. I am so stuck and confused and just don't know what to do, but I told myself I need to do something by spring. I need to make a goal, I need to plan. I need to be happy again, and I feel my daughter does too, she deserves happiness the most.
Well..there you have it. Now I can continue with my blog/diary on occasion. I also plan up uploading talking videos, sometimes it is just easier for you to understand my frustration or happiness with a video instead of via text.
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